The Whistler (website)/July 2000

July, 2000

In this issue:

Poetry Page pg..2

Desert Island Dreams pg. 3

Madam Mavis pg. 4

Hot Weather Fashion pg. 5

Knot Hole pg. 6

Baldus Bungles Big Bucks
WPJH Teacher Draws Blank on Quiz Show

Nathan U. Baldus, known for his scatty weird hipness in WPJH Homeroom, took a chance and lost last week. He tried out for the hot hit TV show, "Who Wants To Roll In Dough?" by calling in and answering the blitz-finger question. To his amazement, he got it right!

"I couldn't beeelieeeeve it!" sputtered N. B. "It's not that the question was so hardy-har-hard, it was just that you have to scoot-skeedaddle to do it really fast! And I did!"

After qualifying, Baldus flew to the Big Apple for coaching and an audition. Town citizens were riding high in the excitement of their local celeb showing up on the show, hosted by fave talk-show master, Squeegee Fillbanks. At last the big night arrived and curtains went up for the telecast.

"I was only a little nervous," admitted Nat B. "Most of the people in the Green Room didn't look any smarter than yours truly, and a whole bunch of 'em looked a LOT less hip-a-rooni. Did you know they serve you chips and dip and free sodas? That's first class!""

After watching Sherman P. Knockoff win $250,000, Nat B. blistered through the next blitz-finger question, "Rank these clowns in order of their hilarity" and -- bingo! -- a star was born. He was in the hot seat, and mouths all over the Whistling Pines area were dry with anticipation.

$100! $500! $1,000! Amateur giggle-meister Baldus blazed through the first tricky questions! The next three, however, focused on soap operas and animal biology, and Nat B. had to drain his "lifesavers" to stay in the game. The final killer question was about DNA tagging and its impact on modern heurology. Although Natty called his big-brained bud, Science teacher Bob Shuliss, it was the beginning of the end. N.B. risked his final reply on the Shuliss guess ("I'm 25% confident, Nat!") -- and lost. Instead of winning $32,000, he went home with a check for $1,000.

Plans for a welcome home parade were quickly scrapped and a 200-pound sheetcake was trucked over to the Sunny Woods Rest Home. "I don't know why anyone would want to congratulate ME," mumbled a senior at Sunny Woods, "But I've had three pieces, anyway. It's delicious."

As for the busted Baldus, he made a quiet return via the airport shuttle and rested up after his ordeal. "Sure, it's less money than I hoped," he told reporters at the luggage claim area. "But I take the positive view. How many jokesters get pie on their face on national television? I'm going to use this money -- after the government takes 50%, of course -- and twist the night away with my little snuggly-bunny Mathilda Malumphy. Heeeyuh!"

True bravery or just bravado? This reporter later heard N. B. mumble, "You'd think that Clueless Shuliss woulda known SOMETHING about clock genes...."

Guess that's how the dough rolls, quiz fans. Catch ya later.

Search For Students Continues
Efforts to locate and rescue three missing girls has been stepped up, according to local authorities. Miko Kajiyama, Nakili Abuto and Dana St. Clair were all lost in a freak storm that blew up the coast in late June. Since then, dozens of friends and fellow students have taken to the water to search for the trio.

"The number of islands is making it rough," said Coast Guard official, Imat Cee. "Every little rock has to be carefully searched. It could take weeks. Hopefully, they made it to one of the larger ones, with water. We're not discouraged yet."

Student Rockett Movado had this to say: "I join with my fellow classmates in wishing the CSGs a quick and safe return. I'm sure this is not how they planned to spend their summer!"

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