The Whistler (website)/November 1997

Turkey Trots Edition

Volume 3

November 21, 1997

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You know Thanksgiving's coming around here for two reasons - those little cardboard turkeys start popping up wherever you look, and WPJH chef Mr. Pill starts fishing for compliments. This undercover Whistler reporter overheard our feisty cook shouting, "In the spirit of Thanksgiving, you should be thankful!" at an 8th grader who complained Monday of heartburn after consuming Pill's Lima Carpa Gou.

Not counting school lunch, The Whistler decided to find out what students at Whistling Pines were thankful for this year. Nicole Whittaker: "I am both grateful and delighted that every single one of the Fall fashions were flattering on me." Arnold Zeitbaum: "I'm very thankful for the resurgence of quality sci-fi television shows." Ruben Morales: "the weekends, where I get to sleep in." Sharla Norvell: "I'm really thankful for getting an extra day off after Thanksgiving -- without having to ditch." Miko Kajiyama: "I'm totally psyched about this new set of books I got about cool famous women. I'm thankful I'm a girl going into the 21st century and can be whomever I want." Mavis Wartella-Depew: "I'm grateful I have a sixth sense and you don't." Stephanie Hollis: "I'm thankful all my pets are healthy and especially that certain smelly 8th grade boys will NOT be my partner on the science fair project."

Fate of Whistling Pines Postcards TBD
Students, parents, and school officials will meet this week to discuss the fate of student postcards on Purple Moon. "We just get so many, it's hard to keep in touch with everyone," Rockett Movado told The Whistler. "There's just gotta be a better way." Alternative ways for Rockett, Miko, Ruben, and the rest of the gang to stay in touch with all their Purple Moon friends will be brainstormed and evaluated. Arrow summed up everyone's feelings when she exclaimed, "Help me out from under this pile of mail!"

Mavis Has the Birthday Blues
{| cellpadding="5" cellspacing="0" border="0" width="600" What girls wrote in Mavis' diary I wanted to show everyone how amazing I could be. So I had Miko yell at me and levitate my glasses. That's when the problems began. When Miko was yelling at me, my glasses made a dive-bomb for that Zitbomb kid. He threw his cranberry juice at them and accidentally got it on Whitney instead. I quickly checked a horoscope type thing. It said: Libras suddenly change personalities if cranberry juice is thrown on them. They often times switch personalities with someone in the room. I saw her start acting like...NICOLE! This was a disaster! I mean we shouldn't mess with the cosmos! I hope this wears off! - Cyberbug
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 * width="600" colspan="3"|The tears were flowing, as we Whistler editors plowed through your melancholy submissions for the Mavis diary entry storyteller contest. Most of you thought that Whitney invited our favorite swami to her birthday, only to ignore her or ridicule her once she got there. You more optimistic souls believed that Mavis had gone to the party and been a surprise hit, dazzling guests with her psychic abilities and never-before-seen charm. Below are some of the best entries, that had us rolling on the floor. Poor Mavis. We hope her horoscope looks more positive this week!
 * width="600" colspan="3"|The tears were flowing, as we Whistler editors plowed through your melancholy submissions for the Mavis diary entry storyteller contest. Most of you thought that Whitney invited our favorite swami to her birthday, only to ignore her or ridicule her once she got there. You more optimistic souls believed that Mavis had gone to the party and been a surprise hit, dazzling guests with her psychic abilities and never-before-seen charm. Below are some of the best entries, that had us rolling on the floor. Poor Mavis. We hope her horoscope looks more positive this week!

I was invited but I did not wanna go because the gods told me Nicole will push a chess stick up my nose then snap a photo and put it in the Whistler! Or Nicole will sing geekarama Mavis again! Or toss my glasses in toilet! Rockett went and said Nicole was planing to toss tar balls at me!!! And break my glasses. She said Nicole was planning to spike my punch!! I can't believe it!! - Silvercat1

Whitney told me to come as the fortune teller or not come at all. But I got back at her. You see, my prediction for Whitney was: She would laugh so hard milk would come out her nose and Ruben wouldn't sit next to her. She laughed really hard. Unfortunately she just happened to be drinking milk then. HAH!!!!!! -- Mellie

I don't know. Am I really a nerd? I always thought I was nice. Whitney ended up inviting me, but I didn't go. I didn't want to be a burden on Miss Priss' private party. Why should I go somewhere where I'm not wanted? I went out with some other friends to a movie, and ordered pizza. I had a great time. I'm very happy with my decision. Why on earth would I have passed up a night with my REAL friends for an hour begging WHITNEY to accept a birthday gift? -- Zac

The party was horrible. I got teased about my pink party dress and socks with the little ruffles. I curled my hair and people kept pulling my curls. When Whitney opened presents she got excited over everyone else's present but looked at mine and said "This is an O.K. present Mavis, I guess, if it has to be." Then when we were passing out party bags Whitney did not have enough and gave me a trash bag. When we were hitting the duck pinata the duck eye which was a marble fell on my head and knocked me out so they pulled me to my feet making me tear my dress and said "that was stupid Mavis!!!" Then I didn't get any candy because I was still dizzy. It was so horrible. I am never going to one of Whitney's parties again!!!!! - Sheilah

I can't believe it! When I hypnotized Nicole, it worked! It absolutely worked! She invited me to be one of The Ones. THE ONES! Then I snapped her out of it and said, "Sure, Nicole. I'd LUV to be one of The ONES!" Nicole didn't know she invited me to be a One, so she, like, totally freaked out! Revenge is MINE, all mine! - Stakisha

Whitney Voting Results
Here's what YOU thought:

Whitney should invite Mavis to her b'day...1597 Votes

Whitney should have a small dinner party with close friends...3985 Votes

Whitney should let Mavis suffer at home, uninvited...519 Votes

Whitney should try to un-invite the Zeitbaums so she could skip Mavis...5456 Votes

Dana Adventure Results Tallied
The voting results for "Dana Gets Lost!" have also come in. Here's what you thought Dana should do on her hike with Miko and Tanya:

• Gone on the hike but turned back when she thought they were lost...668 Votes

• Argued with Tanya until she was convinced that Dana knew the way...2436 Votes

• Let Tanya go down the wrong trail by herself...2806 Votes

• Gone back to camp and waited for her stepdad to take them...4162 Votes

Mr. Pill's Weekly Menus
Gobble gobble it up ya little turkey gizzards! These menus have been specially prepared to make you remember Mr. Pill's cuisine, when you're reflecting on the things you're most thankful for. There's no lunch on the 27th and the 28th, because it's Thanksgiving, ya picklebrains!

November 24 - November 26

Miles Standish Saute In the spirit of America's first white settlers, anemic-looking root vegetables are tossed with chunks of frost-bitten earth, blighted corn, and big silver belt buckles, then sautied in ferret oil in a cast-iron skillet. Served buffet-style on floating replicas of the Nina, Pinta, and the Santa Maria.

Wrack of Yam A massive tureen of boiled sea wrack, sliced yams, curried chicken lips and stale donut holes. Heavily seasoned with salty stinkweed.

Turkey Jelly Sandwiches Turkey isn't just for dinner anymore! Here, enjoy it at the noon hour, in a pulverized, gelatinous form. What might -- or might not be -- turkey is run through the blender, then boiled with lime Jell-O to a smearable consistency. Spread on fluffy white bread with a side of cranberry sauce.

Featured dessert of the week...

Pumpkin Pie a la Mold Uh-oh, you left your jack-o-lantern outside too long, and it started to mold! Not to worry, because I have created a recipe just for you. Moldy jack-o-lanterns are combined with condensed milk, egg, and nutmeg, then baked in a pie just in time for Thanksgiving dinner!

December 1 - December 5

Burr-Burgers and Fly Fries A high-fiber burger composed of mashed burrs plucked from the socks of Yours Truly after a day of birdwatching. Rolled into a prickly mound, and presented on a bun with all the fixins'! Fly-covered fries gathered from the school dumpster available upon request.

5 Dimension Delight Detoxify yourself, body, mind and soul! Recipes from Mr. Pill's 1995 global tour of spiritual communities. Raw buckwheat noodles served with rice milk-and-miso sauce. Accompanied by unleavened, sprouted bread smeared with cold mashed garbanzo beans, seaweed protein jelly, and sliced parsnip. Gulp it down with cayenne pepper wheatgrass juice.

Bundty Beefcake Moist and delicious boiled brisket of beef Bundt Cake, iced with vanilla corned-beef hash frosting, topped with a dollop of whipped lard. Served on soft, luxurious cow hide. Garnished with a cloudy bovine eyeball, cow trotter and a beef jerky stick.

Cow-Spleen Frappe  Frozen cow-spleens and green slime-molds are crammed into a blender with tree sap and belly-button lint then whirled into a frappe. Slathered over strips of fried eggplant.

Rockin' Mozzarella Sticks A twist on the popular appetizer, fit for a main course! Mozzarella cheese is mixed with gravel, breaded in sand, and deep fried to an extra-crunchy consistency.

Featured dessert of the week...

Mayo Milkshake A creamy froth of mayonnaise, half-and-half and super-fine sugar. Topped with a squirt of whipped cream and a cherry!

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