The Whistler (website)/May 1998

May Day Edition

May [15th], 1998

One Party Rocks Elections
Running on a platform of cafeteria reform and quality of life issues, Nicole Whittaker and the One Party triumphed in a hotly contested race for student government this week.

"I knew we were going to win all along," said the newly-elected 8th grade president. "Everyone knows I know what's best for this school."

This year's election had the highest voter turnout in the history of Whistling Pines Junior High. Ballot boxes throughout the school were overflowing with votes.

Secretary Whitney Weiss credited their win to the party's quality of life platform. "I think the students have spoken. Better food in the cafeteria and cleaner bathrooms will make this place a lot better. Mr. Pill just HAS to be stopped!"

When reached for comment, school sustenance engineer Bill Pill reportedly grumbled something then told our reporter to "Scram or be scrambled!"

Elected Treasurer Stephanie Hollis says she looks forward to having flowers planted around the school. "I can't wait! Roses, daffodils, maybe even a rhododendron or two. It'll be beautiful!"

Not everybody is delighted with the election results. Arnold Zeitbaum, whose Spork Party lost by the widest margin in school history, has filed charges of voter fraud. "There is no way such vain, obnoxious girls could win so easily -- unless of course, voters were influenced by aliens. I'm almost certain something fishy was going on. I may demand a re-count."

Principal Herrera said there are no plans for a re-count, but that she will be meeting with the new student government early next week to discuss issues.

Final Election Tallies

The One Party 134247 Votes!

The CSG Party 126668 Votes!

The Party Party 14209 Votes!

The Spork Party 4466 Votes!

Mr. Pill's May Day Madness
"Spring cleaning has given my cookin' a whole new look -- AND taste and smell!"

S'cream of Windex Soup This soup's so good, you'll twist and shout (well, eating ammonia will make you go into convulsions, anyway!) Who says you can't eat blue food? Sissies!

Chipped Cleaver Beef True gourmets say you have to age beef for it to taste good. I buried a side of beef in the crawlspace under my house back in '61 and forgot all about it! I tried to taste a piece but broke my lucky cleaver tryin' to lop off a slab. Soakin' the meat in lye softened it good, though...

Rag Salad No sense in throwing these things out, not with all the flavor they've picked up wiping up various spills over the years. Tossed with shredded cabbage and sandpaper croutons.

Shoulda Thrown This Out A While Ago Casserole My wife thinks it was a pudding, I say it was left-over chicken. Whatever it used to be, it's about doubled in size and is kinda purplish-green. Nuthin' like a surprise!

General Motor's Chicken I've had an oil leak in my old truck for a few years now, so I keep a pile of kitty litter under it to absorb the drips. That stuff sure makes a crispy coating on my fried chicken.

Featured dessert:

Sponge It Off Cake Fluffy, moist Sponge Cake made out of the sponges I use to clean everything with. Topped with white sawdust that looks just like Coconut, but doesn't have the fat content!

Dust Bunny Stew I swept these little critters out of every corner of my house. When I was done, I had so many of them, I had to throw 'em into a stew with some radishes and turnips. Comes with crunchy broom-bristle bread.

Freezer Melt Fondue My freezer's been a solid block of ice since before most of ya little runts were born. What better way to defrost it than in a fondue pot? Once it's melted, I'll serve it over the hundreds of boxes of frozen lima beans still in there.

Caramelized Green Scrubbies A mesmerizing blend of grime and decaying foodstuffs, mushed into one of my all-time favorite cleaning aids and run under the broiler. Served on a bed of rusty steel wool.

Wallpaper Lasagna Ya know that old wallpaper has the same crunchiness of raw lasagna? When I boiled it, it didn't get soft like pasta, but since when do I care? In between the wallpaper, I sprinkled generous helpings of plaster and chunks of old red carpet.

Heap o' Compost Someone told me that if I left a bunch of trash in a dark, moist bin in the basement, it would turn into dirt. Well, I'm tired of waiting! It's been over three years and it's still just garbage. So now it's all yours.

Featured dessert:

Chew-Chew-Ka-Choo I've scraped tons of old chewing gum out from underneath school desks. I was going to make myself a new set of bowling balls, but instead I decided to melt 'em down, sprinkle 'em with peppermint, and form 'em into new pieces of gum. Hey, the flavor lasts!

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