Arnold Zeitbaum/Journal Entries & Notes

The following are the journal entries and notes that appear in Arnold's locker in the Hidden Hallway in the Rockett games.

New School
[TBA]

Scene 1-su
Tuesday, October 27, 8:00 a.m. Bring insect specimens to class for "Hobby Talk" in homeroom tomorrow. (utter idiocy)

BUT A-HA!!!! Inspiration for the coming holiday:

Insect attire! Perhaps along the lines of something from my book Blue Grubs of the West Indies. Must also check in library immediately!

Scene 2-2g
9:30 a.m.

I made the news!!

Found clipping in today's paper. Posted on locker door. My name is now out there-like the truth!

I can't wait till the herds of witless zygotes (meaning: my 8th grade class) begin to approach my open locker, lured by the prominently displayed news clipping. They will soon be begging to read all about me and THEN-no question, they'll be enthralled by my sharp-witted observations. Aha! Success is mine, oh mighty Excaliburt!

Note about in-school nausea: Vent, Mother says. Vent! Vent!

And so I shall! That Wartella-Depew person (Beast from the Underground) and her phoney female intuition have gotten on my nerves for the last time. Later today in computer lab (after I sail through the assignment, of course!) I will write a computer program to out-predict her bogus blatherings. When her sixth sense is brought down by my ingenious code, she'll see that logic always triumphs. Her idiotic predictions make a person nauseous

Scene 3-1o
10:45 a.m.: Went to library on dual mission.

Mission #1:  BUG INVASION. perfect costume to be determined immediately!

Most interesting note-Popillia Japonicus (Japanese Beetle)

In the family of Shining Leaf Chafers (Rutelinae) found in large quantities in the northeastern U.S. Eats flowers and petals of rose bushes. (Good grub, BELCH!!!) Big fat body, six long spikey terror-inspiring legs. YES!

Mission #2:  To research patents for several of my inventions (including potato cooker, excellent for avoidance of lunches by that poor excuse for a chef, Bill Pill).

But must send note to administrative authorities: WP library tragically understocked. Ye gads but these adolescent book nooks drive me mad, utterly to my wits' end! Blessed be the day I escape to high school where the library hosts a decent collection of reference resources, particularly big ugly bug books.

Scene 3-1w
Today at lunch: Reviewed entire monster manual for ammunition for this evening's activities. My online partners and I are planning a sneak attack on the pets chat. We'll see what they have to say about the care and feeding of owlbears, heh heh heh.

Further note: Stuck up Stephanie Hollis spoke about animal rights this morning at the African American Leaders of Tomorrow Conference while at the same time torture was applied to self and others in homeroom: had to sit through radio broadcast of her meandering and maudlin "speech."

No, I shall never wear fur! But Pets Chat tonight with bells on!

reminder: Give note to Barman to make sure he does his dead dog routine when maximum people are online.

Scene 3-1d
Middle of the day

Theme so far:  Moronic Moments in My Academic Life-TO WIT:

Science-lab experiments were a cinch. I imagined myself as the mad scientist shape shifter. Main skill: transmuting into a multitude of forms designed to strike terror into the hearts of GIRLS!! (Since I had to work with TWO of the dastardly moody and unpredictable creatures.)

But! One of them was Rockett and that was a plus-type bonus. (I imagine myself through her eyes and see a muscle-riddled super-hero like the one in the poster on my locker door! Always aim high. And THEN aim higher!!)

Mavis the monster was the other one. She had better fear for her life-for my next experiment shall be finding a way to SHRINK her and STUFF her into a test tube. (Maybe just her head? HOW FREAKISHLY PERFECT!!!) Then I shall sell her to the highest bidder. heh heh heh (Shrink and Stuff: good concept. Patent?)

Scene 3-3e
1:10 p.m.-More Moronic Moments in My Academic Life-TO WIT:

Soc. Studies.-Teacher (Warren Weaseldorf) smells strangely offensive. ( Mother's example of a Garlic Eater, I am positive!) Bad breath makes hair stand on end (mine). Best idea of today: Gag Mr. (Warren) Weaseldorf and take over class myself. Meanwhile do homework--read chapter 6 and answer questions 1 through 8, plus 11 and 12 (extra credit). (Could do in my sleep). Find partner for making diorama of a foreign world. Pluton Black Hole maybe???? That would make things easy!

The Japonicus is mutating in my mind into a huge, darkly conscious being from asteroid belt 12-M-44. Worked out the antennae headdress in Crafts 1 class. Fits like the ideal armor helmet (investigate: can I wire antennae to wobble and blink red lights?)

In any case, I shall seize the night (next Saturday) especially since the gracious N. Abuto recently passed me a most precious envelope! Bring on the white Bug Steed!

Scene 4-1g
1:50 p.m.-plans for advancing myself mentally and physically:

1.  Computer lab-Get Ms. Chen to help me on algorithm stuff (good way to test her brain, since of course I do not need any help in real life).

Brain proof: While the lower life forms struggled with the day's assignment, I polished it off in no time and amused myself by calculating Pi to the 11th place: 3.14159265358. No one else in this class even KNOWS what Pi means. MORONS!!

I struggle with the numbers because I believe that somewhere in Pi there is a message from THEM. Someday I will discover it and become even more famous than today's newspaper article. But for now I will use Pi as the key to my Language Arts homework.

IMPORTANT!! Computer Lab Final Project Idea #43: Set up minicam in teacher's lounge, so all actions inside can be viewed from school Web site.

2.  P.E.-OF MAJOR IMPORTANCE, even more than above: Get sick before I have to run the 600 yard dash tomorrow. Throw up in badminton class?

Scene 4-3e
3:05 p.m.

Physical Ed disaster earlier. Or was Knight Zeitbaum just doing an awesome fake????? Only the Moon Munchers know for sure, heh heh heh heh HEH!! Blast it though! Why don't they offer jousting for P.E. instead of the usual array of idiot-sport options?!

Language Arts Assignment: write a poem, read in class. I can imagine the gushy rubbish we'll be tortured with tomorrow when it starts. I will of course go the extra mental mile to awe the peasants with my brilliance. Objective: extra credit. Beginning of poem so far:

Now I have a power marvelous

To reveal those who claim prophesy**

(Note to self: poem can double as AZK quiz. See answer/hint below)

Spork campaign gaining energy. Missed math (turned in homework early, plus did extra credit) so that I could take the awesome utensil to the office of the Great One, namely Mrs. H. She expressed resistance till I pushed the point. I remain convinced that cafeteria Neanderthal Mr. Pill is putting mind control serum in her food so that she will deny us anything decent to eat. Not to mention practical duo-functioning utensils.

(Note to self: investigate way to add knife edge to spork; could be worth millions.)

MOST IMPORTANT NOTE OF THIS DAY:

Whitney Weiss = Total snort-romper. Insight: RM far superior object for Knight Zeitbaum to defend. My mighty sword Excaliburt to the rescue!!


 * (answer to AKZ poem-puzzle: the number of letters in each word of my poem (written earlier) equals successive digits of Pi:  3.14159265358.  Get it, zygotes? I AM A GENIUS!)

Scene 6a-1p
Saturday, the NIGHT of the 31st

My attempts to convince Conrad and Barman to attend the festivities at the home of Nakili Abuto failed miserably! Both stubbornly refused. Even offered my (only slightly used) costumes of the last two years (two-headed Tyrannosaurus Rex and the Red-Bellied Mutant Frogman). But to no avail! ZYGOTE CHILDREN!!! Their snorting became so obnoxious at my mention of the words "party" and "Rockett" in a single sentence that I almost agreed to join them in their Halloween project instead. Project: electrocuting pumpkins and measuring how far the biggest bits would sail into neighbors' yards. I WAS tempted, right to the bitter end. I agree with them that parties are for mindless peons! But in this case I must descend into the teeming masses-incognito!

Duane Weevil offered to accompany me but I could not allow it, since I made my oath to Nakili that he would not, as she put it, "drool his way across her doorstep." The fool is mad with love or some other obnoxious emotion that I cannot understand. Now his plans for tonight are to polish his fourteen pairs of brown shoes and weigh his jars of sweater lint. (Not a bad alternative, I agreed.)

But Knight Zeitbaum rides off into the night seeking adventure!

private news: Right about the Fair One's b'day: Dec. 11 or so Miko Kajiyama told me (For $5). Greenhouse growing plan on schedule. He swoops in and throws off her guard!

Scene 6a-4u
November 1

My scheme to slip into disguise and horrify the squeamish masses was a massive success! Imagine me as a large and grotesque Popillia japonica (Japanese Beetle, in other words, for the ignoramuses who may someday find this notebook and read of my life) and there you have it. A hard shell to withstand any knocks of fortune. Large black squirming tentacles to inspire terror. But I get ahead of myself!

In other words, Nakili's party was a very admirable affair. Mounds of excellent food. But where is Rockett? he wondered. A patient man (beetle) shall be rewarded. Just as I was about to leave (fly off to gorge on the nearest rose bush), the fair maiden appeared. But alas! The teeming mass of zygotes kept her attention the whole time and I did not manage to break in with even a single private syllable. But just to look upon the fair Cleopatra from afar causes a strange and disturbing explosion in the heart region. I must learn hieroglyphics in order to communicate in her native language, Ha-HAH!!

BUT! The purple orchid is coming along perfectly. The future awaits my scheme for capturing this fair maiden's attention.

Scene 6a-4d
Saturday Oct. 31 as the moon sets and leaves me in the dark pit of night-

I fear my fate may be sealed! A terrible thing occurred tonight at Nakili's halloween party. All night I had been lingering around the food with my long black beetle arms. Girls were terrified = P. Japonicus a WILD SUCCESS!! (till what happened.)

I was waiting most patiently for a moment to approach the fair one on her own. But she was the peak of popularity and no one would leave her alone for even a single second. My upset was extreme. EXTREME in black capitals!! But then I saw my chance. She ducked into Murasaki's fortune-telling tent. I quickly took my place just outside, as if to wait my turn. (Never in an entire series of lifetimes as a bug would I actually enter!) I had a handful of potato chips and a cup of green dip-a mild refreshment for the lady fair when she came out of the tent to meet her destiny.

Then a commotion was heard and I turned away. Just as I turned back to the tent Rockett burst out and right into my cup of avocado dip. Thick mashed green guck spewed forth, all over her beautiful magnificent costume! Horrendous hideous heinous happenings!! Of all I have ever experienced, this was the worst!!! She howled like an insane alley cat and lunged away. Leaving me alone. Not bearing to encounter her face-to-face thereafter, I quickly departed Nakili's gracious abode. A thief in the night. A Japanese Beetle in despair, antennae bent and broken. Life is over, this I know. ALL OVER. Nothing left for me but to throw together some volatile chemicals and blow myself to the fifth moon of Planet Desolation!! THE END!

Scene 6b-3m
Sunday, 11:45 a.m.

A man cannot stew over missed opportunities. My lurking in massive Japanese beetle form at Nakili's did not in any way advance my cause. DRATS! Female persons are once again proved to be a total waste of time. On to much more important things! Such as my sadly neglected log book, in which I've only lately recorded suspicious movements of men in black. (shiny pointy black tie shoes frightening and suspicious!)

Also of dire importance: Science fair is in a few months. So little time to plan. So many potential winning ideas, how will I ever choose? #44 coming to me now: Cross pollinate purple orchid with venus flytrap (investigate hybrids also) and install music chip to sing happy birthday song as "mouth" opens and closes. I will go far in this world, even if I have to admit it to myself!!! HAZZAH!

Scene 2-2g
Arnold my dear,

Thank you for notifying me of your mention in the paper this morning. After I read your interesting note, I checked and yes, there was the article you mentioned. Congratulations! I'm sorry to say, however, that I can't allow you to go up on the school roof this night or any other for that matter. I have no doubt you would indeed be able to spot what you call the approaching "Zoron Warcraft." But having you up there-especially alone with no supervision-would be a safety hazard, I'm afraid. And thank you for asking, but neither Mr. Herrera nor I would be willing to camp out up there with you. Why don't you try star-gazing in your own back yard? I'm sure you'll be the first to see every strange occurrence in the night sky, even from there! Gaze on!

Sincerely,

Mrs. Herrera

Scene 3-1o
Arnold,

Yes, I DO have some classes with Rockett Movado. But I am sorry to tell you that no, I don't know when her birthday is. And I don't care that much either. The Ones just can't spend time keeping track of people who aren't that interesting. So please find out on your own. I have to go now, because a limo is coming to pick me up to take me somewhere really important. Swim on with yourself! Stephanie H.

Scene 3-1d
The SPORK! Why are you the only dude in school who knows what a spork is, Zitbomb? Just my luck. But yeah, okay, let's do it. Look me up after Lab and let's plan. I can't believe I'm writing you this.

Bo Pezanski

Scene 3-1w
BARMAN YOU PIG!!!

OINK! heh heh heh

I'm sure you haven't forgotten about our scheduled little foray into the pet chat room tonight, correct? 9 p.m. and don't be late. Make sure your conversation about your pet owlbears is convincing. I'll be the one talking about the dangerous Zinghu River Fish that have gotten loose into the public drinking water. HEH HEH HEH! Fools will be fooled!!! oink oink oink!! Zeitbaum the Marauder

Scene 3-3e
Arnold the Inferior: Of course when you really need to know something suddenly you ask ME. Of course.

But for what reason do you want to know the birthday of THE PERSON IN QUESTION? Don't tell me because it's something I already know. But you should find out the stuff about birthdays on your own will power. Since especially you think you're so smart.

Hint: It's not when you say you think it is. That's all my 6th sense feels like it wants to tell YOU. Good luck because you will really need it. Not only about finding out what you want to know but other things also. On Halloween you might find out you especially could use good luck. GOOD BYE. Mavis

Scene 4-3e
For the last time, Arnold you freak-Quit lying to everyone about you and me!! We are NOT dating, okay?!! The only true thing is I have REALLY bad luck because my dad is friends with your parents. And just because he makes me do dumb stuff like play baby golf with you so they can sit around and BLAB all day, does NOT mean we are going steady. Just go play Zoron Blaster by yourself why don't you?!! GOOD-BYE and I MEAN IT!!!! your NOT friend, Whitney Weiss

Scene 4-1g
Hey Arnie,

I hear you are decking out for Halloween in a really BUG way. Ha ha, just joking around. Yes, I AM serious about it. I didn't give you that party invitation for no reason. My party is going to be BIG. And a blast. Everyone's welcome. So just come on over, any time. Mind you tho--do NOT--I repeat, DO NOT--bring that drooling Duane Weevil over my doorstep, you hear me? A person has to draw the line somewhere and he is IT. I'm sorry but that's the one thing that would make my night just completely NOT FINE. Don't do it! See you Saturday, Nakili

Scene 4-1g
Hey man, hey man, hey man: Get me to Nakili Abuto's party Saturday night and I'll owe ya a big one. Gotta go! Don't tell anyone but if I could just get a chance to talk to her away from school, I could impress her enough to pay attention to me when she sees me at school. Right now she pretends like she doesn't like me. But that girl is so cute in the face I feel like a turtle in the ideal mud swamp whenever I see her. You DIE if you tell anyone I said so. Just get me into her party!

Duane.

Scene 4-3e
Hello Arnold,

You asked me about when Rockett's birthday is, remember? Okay, well, we pretty much found out it's in December. I'm not totally 100% certain what day yet. But we DO know it's in December. Before the end of Sagittarius in astrology anyway. How we found out is that, (a) the first day of school, we found out Rockett was a Sagittarius but we didn't know the exact date.

Then (b) Nakili and I were at her house not too long ago. In her room was a card that her friend Meg (from where she used to live) had sent her. We saw that the card said something about their birthdays (because it seems like Rockett and her friend Meg both have the same birthday, isn't that cool?!). She got all flustered when we asked her about it, though. Then she put the card away so we didn't exactly see all the details. I don't think she wants anyone to know when her birthday is. But that is a little strange to all of us (CSGs, I mean). Who would ever want to keep it a secret? But to just answer your question: It's probably December 11. Or maybe it could be December 17. And okay, I won't tell anyone that you wanted to know. You must be planning something, huh, Arnold? I won't tell about that either. Be good!

Miko

Scene 6a-1p
Friday afternoon

Liebschen,

I won't be at home when you get back from school this afternoon. I have to be at the Gardening Society tea where my purple spotted orchid is going to show itself off. I saw you admiring it yourself yesterday afternoon in my greenhouse and I'm not surprised. I knew you'd become a plant lover sooner or later! Meanwhile, your halloween costume is as imaginative as ever! I can't wait for you, Arthur, and Astella to give us a costume show this evening after dinner. Have some cookies and I'll see you soon.

Love, Mother

Scene 6a-4d
Hello again Arnold,

Here is your $5.00 back. I think it would be wrong to take money just for answering a question. At first I took it because I thought it would be good to have for extra party money, but I just felt totally guilty. We've already planned everything, and even without extra donations, we've got everything we need. But thanks for offering.

Miko

p.s. When you get to the party be sure to try the avocado dip. Nakili's mom is making it and you won't believe how fantastic it is!

Scene 6a-4d
Zeitbaum the Marauder--oh right! Listen, you fool, I told you before, quit calling me a pig! The animal chat last Tuesday was good, I agree. But where are you tonight when we need you on our little pumpkin mission? Disguising yourself as a 2-headed Tyrannosaurus Rex? Oh yeah, you're doing that stupid beetle thing. Snorting around trying to get ROCKETT MOVADO to look at you. GOOD LUCK. Mavis Depew told us you are in for disaster. HA HA HA. Don't slobber on Rockett too much. Your Friends of the Round Table:  Booger Barman and Conrad the BARBARIAN!!!

Scene 6a-4u
THE SPORK LIVES! Zeitbaum, looks like the deed is done. After Mrs. H. agreed to hear our platform for the runcible spoon, I knew we were in. But I had to go up against Pill in the caf on my way out Friday afternoon. He came chasing after me like an escapee from the wild orangutan cage-with a set of forks and spoons in each hand, no lie. Like all beet red in the face and screaming, YOU WON'T GET AWAY WITH THIS!! Yeah, he wishes.

Next gig: install a secret program in his computer that will automatically change his food purchasing orders. Example: When he types in 50 pounds of cod eyes, the guy at the other end will read 50 pounds of chocolate ice cream. YES!

Don't want to ruin my rep by doing too many projects with you, Zeitbaum, but maybe one more. Stay cool, lie low.

JAWBONE

Scene 6a-4u
Notice to all students in the Insects Alive Club

Our usually scheduled Mon. afternoon meeting is being changed to Wed. next week. This is so that Arnold Zeitbaum can get his pictures developed of his halloween costume (humongous Popillia Japonicus). We want to verify his claim that this costume is an exact replica of the beetle itself, magnified approximately 1,000 times. Arnold has agreed to donate the costume to our specimen display but wants to make sure it goes to the dry cleaners first. That is why we are going to be looking at pictures instead of the real thing. MARK THIS CHANGE IN YOUR ASSIGNMENT NOTEBOOKS and don't miss this extra special event!

Scene 6b-3m
Arnold: I heard you got invited to Nakili's party. Well, at least you got to go somewhere.

But that's not the reason I'm writing this. Because you CANNOT fake me out! I know you are just putting all your attention on Rockett to make me like you. It's totally stupid also. Because that will never work. I know you still would chase after me in a single second if I ever let you. Which I won't.

But I would just like to know why you're making such a big deal of trying to make me jealous by going to all the trouble of growing an orchid for HER! If you wanted me to like you so much, why didn't you give me some rare flower then? Not that that would do any good, but I'm just wondering.

I hope you have a just really great Halloween. In your stupid BUG costume.

Whitney Weiss

Scene 6b-3m
Bug Boy

(by anonymous)

Black fangs,

Antennae, arms and legs.

He can't help it,

He's the Bug Boy.

Girls scream on Halloween night,

Much to his delight.

He's the Bug Boy.

Watch out when it gets dark

Because that's when he likes to make his mark.

WATCH OUT FOR THE BUG BOY!!!!

Scene 1-1w
December 17  =  a major day in galactic history!!

(the infamous Star Glob affair, more on that later)

Today is also an auspicious day for the Knights of the Purple Orchid. In other words (for people with no vocabulary) it's a Good Luck Day. Not only about the situation with the Star Glob (and my paper par excellence that I'll turn in to social studies later). The other reason is, I have information that today is the birthday of a most fair one in this place called Whistling Pines--and luckily  I am prepared for that, yes! I'm determined to give the Fair One the gift I've slaved over for three months now.

Scene 1-2m
11:00 a.m.

First things first:

My history paper for social studies class is due today. I told Weaseldorf I planned to write about the universe-shattering occurrence that happened 11 years ago today. He said, "Zeitbaum, I've told you before! No science fiction, you hear me?!" Only morons believe the evil Huron Star Glob is science fiction. So I proceed! People who watch the skies know the truth is out there and this is a true historical event.

Other thing:

My mind is completely whitewashed with all the concerns of what day this is. I approached the fair galactic girl at the end of the passing period in the courageous manner of a man sworn into the Brotherhood of the Purple Orchid. My precious gift awaits! Mavis Depew is a slug from the land of dirt and tried to make me believe the delicate orchid waiting in the dark of my locker was dead and dying. She has the psychic sight of a mole.

Scene 2-1m
My history paper is coming along, proving I happen to be a brilliant observer of what's happening in the outer reaches of the universe. (And also of facts about fair Rockett. Ahhh, success!)  But for now, I must focus on my assignment. I thoroughly expect another A. I'm doing my final draft of the awesome paper next period.

problem to ponder:  Max Diamond invited me to a dinner at his house. Should I accept?

Things to consider:

1. Is Whitney Weiss going to be there? (I'm sure of it!)

2. Is the Fair One going to be there? (I'm doubtful)

3. Is my Second Choice going to be there? (without a doubt!)

4.  What does a person wear to such an occasion? Will Viola have good advice, even though my own mother? (possibly, but not to be totally trusted)

Scene 2-2w
SUCCESS! HAZZAH! HAZZAH! The Brave Knight defends his honor and passes on the remarkable, otherworldly Purple Orchid to she for which it was grown! A blush as deep as tomato soup splattered all over her face when I bowed and presented my gift! HAZZAHHHH!

WHITNEY WEISS BE GONE!!!

Scene 3c-1w
2 p.m.  Tinydahl's class

If I have to suffer this woman next semester I'll petition Her Highness Mrs. H. to pass me straight into high school. A POX on her and her poetry circle!!!

I just recited my poem, a masterpiece of simplicity! If I do say so myself. (And I'm sure I spied Rockett looking appreciatively in my direction after my regal recitation.)

Grades coming today and if this hysterical wench doesn't give me a top of the line mark she will truly be sorry.

Sharla Norvell is impossible to understand. Why didn't I end up in a group with just the Fair One and myself? I fear my fate is always to be dragged down by the masses. And hideous Mavis Depew.

Scene 4-2c
How my social studies paper begins:

"Jawobi Carp to Ground Crew! Come in, come in, please!! Do you copy?! We've made contact with the evil Huron Star Glob! It's coming this way! Send AID IMMEDIATELY!!..........Oh no, here it comes! We're doomed!! Arrrggggghhhh!!!"

KAPOOOOOOOWWWW! BLAAAAAAM!!!! Silence.

Then.....from far off a shiny silver object, huge. With red blinking panels. It's the Mordid 40 Alien Aircraft to the rescue!! (Unfortunately only minutes too late to save Jawobi Carp and his brave fleet of Galactic Gunnermen.)

more to come

Scene 5-1b
Part 2 of my paper for social stud.

EH-EH-EH-EH-RRRRRAAAAAAAGHHHHH! Mordid 40 shoots and fires! The dastardly target disintegrates under impact with a single fire thruster. And also under the single eyeball of each Mordid crew creature. Only too bad (the thing I mentioned before), Jawobi Carp and his crew lost their lives fighting the thing and missed survival by only a few minutes. (Even though the concept of time doesn't work too well in outer space.)

Back on Earth, there is both mounting joy and hope and also distress over what happened on this day 11 years ago.

(I definitely see an A for this effort, or I am not a Knight of the Purple Orchid.)

Scene 6c-2t
Holidays are here! I am a master of my domain! My grade point average is superior! My prospects for college life away from the shuddering masses is probably for certain! So I can relax and enjoy the days off. Weevil and Barman want to build another robot over vacation, this time one that will hand deliver messages to the doorsteps of various girls. We will control it by remote control (hidden from sight, of course). Weevil says it has to be able to climb at least one step so that it can get to the doorstep of Ms. N. A.

HA-HA!! It sounds like the plan of born geniuses!

Scene 1-1w
My Dear Arnold Z., Amigo mio!

It's that holiday season again, and in the spirit of holiday cheer, I just wanted to invite you to La Casa del Diamond--in plain English, that's MY house--for a kind of chummy get-together dinner, this Sunday night. I trust you'll be able to make it. It'll be worth your while since there are sure to be a bunch of girls there (my friends, in other words) that I believe you've been admiring from afar. Or from the mini-golf course, whichever is most accurate, haha. So come on, man, now's your chance! I wanna hear a YES out of you!

Ciao buddy, Max Diamond checkin' out

Scene 1-2m
Extra Credit Report

Social Studies (Mr. Weaseldorf)

by Arnold Z.

The Order of the Knights of the Purple Orchid

Long ago in misty times, a valiant (or gallant) breed of men strode over the lands of humankind. They wore chain mail (note: check spelling before turning in final draft!) and sometimes armor when they had to do battles of various kinds.

Among these hearty souls were the Knights of the Purple Orchid. Even as he-men they had a knack for growing flowers. Especially orchids, which I can tell you are very difficult to grow and keep alive. Many a brave battle was fought to defend their honor from those who didn't understand their inner souls and their courage in the face of a planet full of paramecium-people. (note: will Weaseldorf give me points off again for using this saying?)

One day a lonely Knight (not a member of the KPO yet) was roaming in the woods, where he got lost from not knowing for sure the right road to take to a castle. At his wits end and starving from hunger, he slumped down to rest against a shady tree and (note: make dramatic)

note!! final draft must be turned in first day back from vacation or no extra credit

Scene 2-1m
Zeitbaum,

I do not want to be nasty but I've had enough of your friend's lovesick dog routine. CALL OFF DUANE WEEVIL or I will have to beat your butt. The both of you!

Okay, okay, not really but I'm serious about giving him the message! I got enough other things to worry about than a guy like him and his nasty oozy face. Come on, Arnold, get down with me here, would you please? Thanks from my whole big heart (which is shrinking by the minute if he doesn't take a hint!)

Nakili

Scene 2-2w
Arnold the Inferior: Are you deluded? Are you filled up with a false sense of your appeal to girls? Because I get upset when you try to shove me around so I have to tell you what you obviously can't figure out your own self.

Even when it's right in your eyeballs. Rockett is not looking at you how you want her to. She is looking that way at Ruben instead of you. Don't waste your plants on her when it might be a better thing to give it to Whitney Weiss or even Sharla Norvell.

Have a happy Christmas or whatever you celebrate in this part of the year, like a weird holiday for aliens or something. Watch out that your big ears don't get frostbite too.

Goodbye till (unfortunately) next year, Mavis

Scene 3c-1w
Hey Dork-Bomb, what do you mean leave Nakili Abuto alone? I didn't know you were the boss of her now. Anyway, I'm not doing anything since she won't even talk to me now. What did you tell her about me, lameskull?

Listen, not that we want you in on it, but Barman and I are gonna build a robot over vacation and we need some extra brain cells. So since we can't find any I thought we'd ask you. The robot is going to be able to walk and knock on a door. Then it can hold a letter in its claw also. Like we could have it deliver messages to girls, including NAKILI ABUTO. No big deal, just a friendly happy holiday thing. For fun. Or maybe a message to Weaseldorf's door to back off on the stupid homework assignments. See ya in chow-town! (cafeteria, you loser!)

Duane

Scene 4-2c
Dear Arnold,

I just wanted to say thanks for the beautiful orchid you gave me today. It was a really sweet thing of you to do, but I just have to tell you a secret that you might not know. PLEASE don't talk about this to anyone, but it really, honestly is NOT my birthday today. It's just kind of my PRETEND birthday, okay? I can't explain it right now but just don't talk about it, it's just kind of complicated.

But because of that, I'll understand if you want to take back the flower, and maybe keep it for yourself. If not, I'll try to take good care of it. Right now, I asked Mrs. H. to keep it for me because I'm pretty sure it will die if I take it outside in this weather. She says the janitor will watch out for it till I can come and pick it up.

Thanks again for being so sweet! Happy holidays,

Rockett

Scene 5-1b
Zeitbaum,

You are a weirdo, man. But I like the entertainment. Here's a thing for you compliments of our wonderful Language Arts poetry circle:

Holiday Cheer

by Sharla Rae Norvell

Arrow Mayfield's on a trip,

Rockett M. is full of lip.

Zeitbaum's beaming up in a UFO.

But I ain't got no place to go.

Typical.

Scene 6c-2t
Scholastic Report

Fall Semester

for

Arnold Keller Zeitbaum

Eighth Grade, Mr. Baldus

Language Arts...................A-

Math............................A

Science.........................A+

Art.............................C-

Physical Education..............C-

Social Studies..................A

Computer Science................A

Scene 3c-1w
Mavis Depew is a one-eyed grunt who knows nothing! The glasses are in the locker of a girl with more makeup than I have brain cells! BE GONE!

Scene 1-1f
9:00 a.m.

The world is overwrought with ridiculous Valentine's Day sentiments! I am keeping calm but have lodged a bet with the other Knights of the Purple Orchid. They claim I cannot get the Blonde Damsel or one of her constant companions to accept a dance with me this Saturday night. We shall see about that! If that mugwort Mavis Depew doesn't get in my way I will sally forth and take the hand of a fair lass. TAKE COURAGE, PURE KNIGHT!

Scene 1-2e
The Blonde Damsel has spoken! Just before class she stopped at my locker to speak words to me, an event that proves there is promise in her direction. Even though all she had to tell me was that something in my locker stunk. What ho! It must be my lunch. I fear something is rapidly molding away in that brown bag Viola made me bring to school this morning. I'm putting off looking at what today's repast might be. But there is hardly anything my own mother could make that would be worse than the slime of Pill's lunch pickings, so I will go forth to look inside with a knight's courage.

Scene 2-2u
Weaseldorf doesn't have a mind worth a plant on the Bing asteroid! He says my constant mixing up of alien space energies with chivalrous knighthood is a farce (his word, farce). HAH! His mind is not subtle enough to understand the unity that exists in things that seem like they're from a different planet from each other. How I can keep going in this social studies class, I know not!

Scene 3-1g
I have been dropped and left for dead on the planet of Numbskulls! This includes teachers and students alike. Tinydahl proved herself a wicked opponent for some girls in class this afternoon, including the Blonde Damsel. She used all her tactics to bring shame and embarrassment to them all and I was only glad it was not me. Fortunately, the Pine strode valiantly into the classroom and put an end to that ridiculous romance writers assignment with his Valentine mailbag. I wonder, though, who is behind the mask? Last week I saw him running down the hall and he looked as short as a midget pine, more like a piece of scrub brush. The amazing shrinking pine. HAZZAH!

Note: Leonard Noodleman says Tinydahl has a book on Classroom Control, a thing I would give my finest coat of armor (helmet only) to see. He says she keeps it in the Teachers' Lounge so that all the faculty can refer to it. An investigation--by surreptitious means--must be made!

Scene 4-1b
Important Notes for Dance and Bet on Who to Dance With:

Nicole W. -- first choice, but hardest to get to look at you let alone dance.

Stephanie H. --  cute but just as bad as the other one. plus, she always yawns in a loud manner and looks the other way whenever I ever try to talk to her.

Whitney W. --  a cuddly little koala at best. A complete zombie from the outer reaches at her worst. Why did I ever find her attractive?

Rockett M. -- unpredictable. One minute nice and friendly, the other minute screaming at me like a wounded hamster. Use caution when approaching.

Scene 4c-3c
Alas, I will not be the owner of a girl-seeking robot! The bet was lost and the Blonde Damsel was whisked away by one so-called charming 8th grade boy after another. But none, I noticed, had an outfit so fine as my own. Which proves the B.D. has no taste, even while she pretends to dictate to one and all what is the right trend to follow. My Valentine's Day Resolution: Into the Love Garbage Heap she shall go!

Scene 1-1f
Good Morning, Zeitbaum!

What weirdness lurks in your head today, huh? I got a feeling you have a thing for our girl Nicole. I mean, I couldn't help seeing that new addition to the ever-changing he-man poster on your locker door. Well, might as well take your chances being as how it's Valentine's Day coming up and all that. But could you do me a favor, man? If you make it to the old Caribbean Dance bash or whatever it is this Saturday, would you -- since unfortunately I may not be able to be there -- ask the girl to dance just once -- in my name? It'll be worth five bucks to ya if you do. I just don't want her standing around like a lonely wallflower, you know what I mean?

Thanks a ton, Knightbomb!

Cleve G.

P.S. Say nothing about the five bucks either. Wouldn't want the poor thing to get a case of red in the face!

Scene 1-1f
HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY!

You are a nice person, Arnold, and I like the weird stuff you write in Language Arts class. It's never boring in there when you read out loud! Have fun whatever you do!

Your Friend, Jessie Marbella

P.S. Isn't this funny paper? I got it at the school store!

Scene 1-2e
FOR ENTRY INTO LOG BOOK!

8:17 a.m. While applying Zit Zap in bathroom mirror.

Heard strange whirring sound outside bathroom window. Hurried to check it out. Pale blue orb (about the size of a large 4-door sedan, only round) rotating above philodendron bush. Looked suspicious. Caused Zit Zap to immediately dry up and burst, leaving flaky residue all over nose and chin.

Hovered for 7.5 seconds then melted into bush like a gob of Zoron Blast. Waited 15 minutes for reappearance but nothing happened. My mother then came and told me I was late again and had to come and eat my eggs-in-a-carton and sausage. She said, what happened to your face. I did not reply. Since she has no conception of what is going on. The End.

Entered by:  Barman, Knight #2 of the Realm

Scene 2-2u
Arnold Zeitbaum:

Do not ask me if I am going to be at that dance. It does not have anything to do with your business. In fact, you are not destined to have an especially good time there, and this is a thing I can say is true from my own SIXTH SENSE. You should just wish you didn't go to this school so that we could BOTH be more happy persons.

M. Depew,  ORACLE

P.S. Your locker has the most dumb stuff in it I ever had to look at when I was walking in the hall. Especially that head you stuck on there. Your dream is that other person's nightmare, I just feel sorry to have to tell you. Especially because of you should've figured it out yourself.

Scene 2-2u
Hey Arnie!

This is my Valentine to you! Happy Valentine's and hope it's a good one. You deserve to have fun! Don't party too hard with any aliens though!

Rockett M.

Scene 3-1g
Hey there Arnie!

Listen, thanks for taking one of our tapes to listen to. U R 2 KEWL! The Explorers are gonna EXPLODE your mind on Saturday so be there, okay? And of course, vote for us! I think you'll like our music a lot!

Be good! Arrow

Scene 4-1b
A brave Knight of the Purple Orchid does not back down or quaver in trepidation (fear or anxiety) etc. I can just go up to her and say I want to dance. Even though I might step on her foot, I must break this boundary of nervousness so that I don't have it holding me back from higher levels of achievement.

Plus, if anything of a positive type happens, I'll have the robot PLUS FIVE DOLLARS! Even if I make a fool of myself, I have the mighty shield of the Purple Order to keep me from disgrace! HAZZAH!!

Scene 4-1b
A Knightly Challenge!

Fair Sir!  (Twittering Dork, in other words)

We challenge you to a task probably impossible. That is why we are betting the girl-seeking robot that you can't do it. We say, at this Saturday's gala event, take yourself in that cute suit your MOTHER made you (or anyway, it looks like it.  Jeez, Zeitbaum, we can't believe you're actually going to put that on and strut in public!).

Go there (to the dance, dummy) and request a dance from any one of the Girls from Snootsville. You know the ONES we mean, since you've lost your dignity in front of every one of them. If any of them accept (especially the Blonde Princess of Super Snoot) we will hand over The Robot for a whole 10 days. More if the blonde one says yes!

Do you accept the challenge?! We await your answer!

The Knob Knee Twins  (HUH HUH, kidding, 'cause that's YOU!)

--- Barman and Weevil

Scene 4c-3c
Hey Arnold,

I just wanted to say I thought you were really cool tonight. I mean, winning the crown with Rockett and all was some fine event for a person to witness! I don't think anyone was expecting THAT combo, no I don't, but I enjoyed it myself and was real happy for you. Keep on keeping on!

But meanwhile, a little 4-1-1, okay? Please PLEASE tell your friend Duane Weevil that I am STILL not interested, okay?! Man, that is bugging me! Does he not understand the words coming out of my mouth?! Get on him before his sorry little situation gets me really mad. This really IS the last time I will say anything. Don't be surprised if I end up with a certain popular guy and I'm so sorry but I can't like two guys at once. Especially him.

Good night and have a nice weekend. Just don't bring that boy around my door!

Nakili Abuto

Scene 4c-3c
Blast it! I was forced to give up the Glasses to that fuzzy-headed twit I once had a crush on! Go THERE and seek them!