The Whistler (website)/March 1998

Irish Spring Edition

March [20th], 1998

Student Elections Ready to Roll!
This year's WPJH eighth grade class elections are gearing up and promise to be as exciting as ever. Four parties are vying for the offices of President, Secretary and Treasurer, and the issues are as diverse as the candidates themselves. In this issue of The Whistler, we offer expanded election coverage to help you cast an educated vote for the future of the student government here at Whistling Pines! The Spork Party By far the oddest party running, Arnold Zeitbaum and Bo Pezansky have combined their unique talents to become the Spork Party. Their sole aim - to get the cafeteria to start using sporks instead of traditional silverware. They say that they will share the duties of President, Secretary and Treasurer, and besides, they couldn't get anyone else to run with them. At press time, Arnold was out sick and Bo said he didn't want to talk to our reporter. Other Issues: None

The Party Party Cleve Goodstaff says that if his party gets elected, Whistling Pines will become the hub of the universe for parties: "The way I see it, every Friday we throw some big bash, with live music and lots of food. We invite a bunch of other schools to come and we all get down! We're pretty sure we can get Mr. Baldus to chaperone." Secretary: Chaz Franklin Treasurer: Max Diamond Other issues: Free soda and new uniforms for the basketball team

The CSG Party If Nakili Abuto's CSG Party is elected, Whistling Pines will soon be erecting a Rollerblade park: "What this school really needs is something that's fun. The cafeteria, the birdcage, the classrooms -- nothing's fun! Now a Rollerblade park, there's nothing more fun than that! We could have classes and maybe even start an after-school roller-hockey league." Secretary: Miko Treasurer: Dana Other issues: "Bring your pet to school day" and new equipment for the chess club.

Mr. Pill's Seasonal Green Stuff
"When I first cooked my boiled shilelagh, all the snakes in Ireland thought it smelled so good, they made a bee-line straight for my kitchen! Now eat up, ya little leprechauns!"

Boiled Shilelaghhs The finest imported wooden clubs, direct from the Emerald Isle, boiled until they're soft and stringy. Served hot with a side of stewed pointy shoes and fried gold belt buckles.

Pot o' Gold Surprise A big pot full of raisins and carrot slices spray-painted gold to give it the look of real gold nuggets and coins. The surprise is what happens when your stomach tries to digest gold spray paint!

Fried Irish Snake Where do you think those snakes went when good ol' Saint Patrick drove 'em all from Ireland? Straight to my skillet! Lightly coated with wallpaper paste and charred until black.

Irish Eyes Potatoes A big heaping pile of old rotten potatoes, with more eyes than the flies buzzing around it. Comes with a swatter in hopes you can catch your own appetizers.

Green Eggs and Clams A twist on the traditional favorite, we take week-old moldy scrambled eggs and top 'em off with raw clams, dug fresh from the Whistling Pines wastewater treatment station!

Featured Dessert:

Boiled Corned Beef and Cabbage Milkshake The traditional dish of the Emerald Isle in convenient milk shake form! Only the mushiest beef and stinkiest cabbage make it into this masterpiece.

Blarney Stone Soup Small, medium and large stones boiled in a dirty mud broth. A sprinkle of sand and a pinch of pebbles give it a lively flavor. Served with a stump.

Rainbow Beef If you've noticed, when you leave a chunk of beef out for a while it starts to turn different colors. Well, this beef has got every color of the rainbow, and then some! It's been sitting on the counter since I got here in 1963! Get it while it's hot!

Boston Celtics Gym-Sock Salad Stinky gym-socks stewed in a sweat stock, sliced and served on celery stalks with salty steamed seaweed. Scrumptious! Served with sardines and salamanders.

Sinead O'Gratin We've got hair from some of the finest Irish pop stars cooked in a creamy limburger cheese sauce and sprinkled with bits of thistle and shamrock. Served with a side of guitar string beans and a drumstick.

Green Green Grass of Home Chowder Now that the lawn's growing again, I've decided that instead of trying to mulch my clippings, I'd give this new recipe for chowder a shot. And don't worry about protein -- there's plenty of slugs and grasshoppers mixed in there too!

Featured Dessert:

Irish Setter Slobber Sherbet We kept a bucket under our Irish setter 'Buddy' for over a month to collect enough slobber for this treat! Three flavors to choose from: Buried Bone Berry, Tangy Tick and Fruity Flea Collar.

Rockett's Secret Valentine Sparks Love Poetry
Wow, the love bug really bit when we asked you to solve the mystery of Rockett's Secret Valentine! Most girls thought it was Ruben -- but others thought it was Wolf, Mavis, Cleve, Jessie, Meg or -- last but not least -- Arnold! Wish we could include all the great poetry you sent us, but here are a few of our faves! Thanks for writing!

By Brina: My dearest Rockett,

You are a shining, shimmering star among all of the dreary clouds. You stand out to me and your smile lifts my spirits. And what a better occasion than to tell you this than the most romantic day of the year, Valentine's Day? And remember this when you are feeling blue, that you light up my life.

With all my love, Ruben

By ZacsRealGirl Dear Rockett,

Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you. The grass is green, the trees are brown, you are the sweetest valentine around. The snow is white, the sky is blue, will you accept this card from me to you?

Happy Valentine's Day!

Love, Arnold

By Anon: From dust until dawn... And light will go dark... You are the love of my life, You are a glowing spark.

The first and the last... My heart will go on... That the first day I saw you, You looked like a fawn.

Happy Valentine's Day!

Love, Ruben

By Luvpuppy: Rockett, Here's a poem I wrote for you:

R eally Amazing O nly Gal For Me C ute K ind to everyone E xcellent Person T rue T rustworthy Rockett I hoped you like this Poem. I have had a secret crush on you for a long time.

Yours Truly, Ruben

By jewelpink:

Yo Rockett you're an awesome pal Someday will you be my gal Your hair glitters it the sun Rockett you are the only one We will go some where to dine Rockett be my Valentine!

Ruben

By Aubrey: Rockett,

Roses are Red, Just like your hair, But each day I see you, I live in despair. For I wish you were mine, But this I must say, "Would you be mine For Valentine's Day?"

Love, Arnold

By Fizzy12

A dove, a heart, a rose, a lock of hair could not undo the shock of seeing you, seeing beauty fade on the faces around your precious brocade

Wolf

By Lollichic

If I am Romeo, you're Juliet If I am Jack Dawson, you're the Rose that I met. If I am Narcissus, you're my reflection The love that I bear is fit to perfection! My name gives away, that you are my moon For I am Wolf, and for you I swoon!

Wolf

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